I Don't Know How to Be Angry

Angry days in the cycle

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There it is. It feels good in a weird way to admit it. I don’t know how to be angry.

Anger is not my M.O. and I really don’t know how to do it well.

What does doing anger well mean?

It means I feel anger, I acknowledge it, I release it and I just move on with it.

Photo by Gary Saldana on Unsplash

Sometimes it just shows up

Recently I experienced this annoying emotion. It just kinda popped up in my day.

Under my movements of the day was this grrrr sound within me. I tried to just breathe it out. Breathe it away from inside me, but it hung on like a sweat bee that won’t shoo.

Time to recognize it. I did. It didn’t help. There it is. This feeling is anger. Immediately I needed to know where it came from and why. If I could just figure that out maybe I could get it to go away.

And this is where the mind really gets in the way of the emotion. To know why is to start randomly guessing.

• Is it because I have been on the computer too long and I feel like I am ignoring my other responsibilities for the day?

• Is it my trauma response to grief from the Hurricane Helene?

• Maybe it’s hormones? Perimenopause? More on perimenopause anger here by Shelby Tutty of The Periprofessional.

• Maybe it’s because I feel like I waste so much time during the day feeling stuck. Do I feel this way?

As I attach a bunch of questions to this feeling, it doesn’t actually help. I just feel worse for attaching things that may not even be things.

Growing up

I remember that being angry always led to getting in trouble and apologizing. Why does anger=apologize? When I was angry, I yelled, I stomped, I slammed doors, I cried angry tears, I told my brothers off. And then I was told to apologize.

It has never felt okay to feel anger. Now when I am angry, it kinda bubbles up out of nowhere and I try to keep it under wraps. But it gets out eventually. My husband says I’m like a firecracker, I just go off on special occasions.

And it always leads to me apologizing for snapping at someone.

Anger in the cycle

There are places in the cycle where anger is a very common emotion. Usually it shows up in mid to late Fall or the luteal phase. Many times it is an indication that true needs are not being met. Shouldering too much for what energy is available is very real during the pre-menstrum.

Anger can also show up unexpected in early Spring or mid Spring. This can sometimes be a sign that the liver needs a little love and care.

In Chinese medicine, the liver is tied to the emotions. Strong emotions like anger in a phase where our hormones provide feel-good energy may be our bodies way of signalling that the liver needs attention. The liver is also responsible for processing hormones. A few years ago, as I was tracking my cycle days, I noticed that anger and grief and depression kept re-surfacing in my transition days from Winter to Spring (menstruation to late follicular) around days 6-9. I decided to take liver nourishing herbs and scheduled acupuncture on the transition day. After one session, I felt noticeably different.

The Past Comes to Visit During Perimenopause

Anger has shown up here for me in varying phases in part because of perimenopause. This is the phase of life that brings up awareness of things that originated in our past.

The perimenopause phase is the time to face the music as they say, except this doesnt feel like music I want to be in the same room with.

I have been contemplating what I’m supposed to do with my occasional anger. How should I deal with it in a new way? I wonder if that is even the point.

Maybe the sudden awareness of how I deal with this emotion and how I learned or didn’t learn to handle this emotion is all that I am supposed to be doing with it.

I am leaving that day of anger where it was. I felt it. I didn’t like it. I tried to ignore it. It surfaced and spewed out onto a poor sap and then I was embarrased and apologized for the outcome of it.

I saw it. I saw the early years of it. I saw how it was treated and how it somehow equaled shame and confusion. And confusion led to more anger.

Friendsgiving connection

We hosted a Friendsgiving party recently. As I made my natural rounds catching up with friends, the conversations started with, “How are you doing?” This is a normal question, but lately (as in the last 8 weeks) we ask this in light of the after math of Hurricane Helene. No really, how are you? But no one has to ask twice. We see it in eachothers eyes as we ask this. My response was, It changes. Some days I’m good, some days I’m not.

Two friends in two different conversations clarified the perimenopausal emotion. Both had been in a funk leading up to coming to the party. Both felt irritated and grumpy. Neither tried to provide a reason for this feeling. Both said they didn’t know what to do with it. This real conversation helped me. I’m not alone. In any of it. We laughed when I suggested maybe we should throw axes. But maybe we should throw axes?

My thoughts on where to direct the feeling of anger next time she sneaks up on me:

1. Ask myself, “What do I need?”, and, “What will help me dispel this today?”

2. Exercise

3. Find a place to Scream

4. Cold shower

5. Take some cbd

6. Throw axes

Ask myself, “What do I need?”, instead of where is this anger/rage coming from. “What will help me dispel this today?”

Exercise the demons. This one usually helps me. Running is a great outlet, unfortunately, I have not been able to do that lately with some of the physcial stuff I have going on particularly adrenal insufficiency with high cortisol. Which basically means I have to keep my heart rate under 130 or my adrenals will demand to make more cortisol, which I definitely do not need to do right now.

Find a place to Scream! This one is worth looking into. It makes sense to me. My outlet for sadness is crying. And when I’m happy I laugh. So screaming because I’m angry makes sense. I’m not talking about screaming at someone. Nope, not that. I mean just get in the car and scream, or better yet, get in the woods where I don’t frighten a hiker and scream. I rarely do this, but it does feel pretty good. This was a great article by

Lisa Renee

that I read recently about finding it hard to scream. If you can’t seem to find your screaming voice, the article: How to Scream might be very relatable. I’ll pin it to the bottom of this post.

Photo by Chandler Cruttenden on Unsplash

Cold Shower. My husband was a hot head when he was a kid. He told me that his mom used to yank him up while he was screaming; clothes and all, and would put him in the shower. He said it reset him immediately. I don’t think I wanna go in fully dressed but this does make sense.

According to a very quick informal google search, cold plunging can:

• Improve mood

• Reduce negative emotions

• Increase positive emotions

• Calm the vagus nerve

I’m not a cold water kinda gal unless it’s hot as balls out. Then I’m all in for jumping in a frigid swimming hole. But normally I want a comfy hot tub.

If I get a wild hair and test out a cold shower as my anger outlet, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Take some CBD. This does seem to calm my nerves and can help improve mood, although it doesn’t actually provide an outlet to this strong emotion but rather keeps it in check. This might be better suited when I’m in a place where the other options are not available.

Throw axes. I have yet to go out to a place to throw axes. It’s more of an urge to throw an axe than to make a whole event around it and put on my plaid shirt and jeans and psyche myself up and go. You mean there are actual places where you can go have a drink, rent a lane like bowling and throw rented axes towards a target board? Yes, where I live, yes that’s a thing.

My son is into throwing stars and knives, so I could raid his room and ask him politely if I can borrow his stars and knives for a bit. Although if I’m in a day of funk and anger, that might make him nervous? Yeah, sure mom, go to town.

I relayed my thoughts on this anger matter to my husband who says I’m overthinking the whole thing. I am fine, he says, and maybe I don’t need to do anything different. He knows that if there is a problem, yo I’ll solve it. But not at all like Vanilla Ice the 90’s rapper who is now 57 years old. Does he throw axes?

Now go throw with the flow,

Okay, now I want to know about you:

1. Is anger a common emotion for you?

2. Does it equal shame and an apology?

3. Where is your favorite screaming spot?

4. Tell me your experiences with cold plunges.

5. Have you gone to an axe throwing place?

6. Have you tried acupuncture?

Here it is: How to Scream by

Lisa Renee

How to Scream

One more related article for those in the perimenopause phase of life by

Shelby Tutty, MHA

Your Perimenopause Alter Ego