*Humor Issue* What will you do for sleep? Hot picks for perimenopause sleep

And the story that got me there

So here it is. Full confession. I need to change it up for a minute.

Is anyone feeling like I am and just NOT wanting to consume more information for a hot second? I found myself less involved in Substack notes, less interested in scrolling. I began taking stock of my time spent on my phone and feeling a bit appalled really. So, I’ve been trying to scale back my phone consumption. It is a big distraction and leaves me spending a good part of my day wondering where my energy went. To the phone, that’s where.

I’ve felt the internal pressure to create content, research, write, record and a full to-do list just sits there. What gives?

It’s time for some levity in life. The real question is, to write just for me or share it even though it's a bit off the beaten cycle awareness path?

I think it’s time for The Humor Issue

If you are feeling like me and just need to put down the how-to’s and let go of that thing you really need to look up about perimenopause, then this essay may be just what you need.

Not what you signed up for? Stick around, I’ll be back to continue the ins and outs of cycle awareness.

I had this urge to tell you the story. In perimenopause, if I can’t laugh, I might cry laugh. As I slowly come undone, document it, right?

**Disclaimer- before you go out and copy all the amazing things I’ve done to get better sleep. Don’t. Now that I’ve said that, if you do, you do it at your own will. Let it be known, I had nothing to do with it. I will not show up in your divorce court case.

this woman clearly needs “more sleep and a sleep schedule” and did not google it, but I’m no doctor

One of the first signs of perimenopause? Sleep gives us the middle finger like a 90’s teen on a skateboard. Actually, as a 90’s teen I got really great sleep. Like, I’m jealous of 90’s Jess and her ability to sleep through her 6am alarms. Now, the first rays of the sun trigger a need to pee reaction at 6am like clockwork.

I find myself googling my deepest question.

Typing in: Sleep issues perimenopause. AI returns with-

¹How to Improve Sleep:

• Establish a Regular Sleep Schedule

• Focus on getting more sleep.

Have a sleep schedule and just get more sleep? Sure. Thanks for the perimenopause advice, AI. You are a bloody genius. You must have a PhD.

That’s what I’ll do. Just sleep more. Um, maybe I'm the dummy here but if getting to sleep and staying asleep are the issues, how is one supposed to just “get more sleep” to fix this issue? ²But doctors give this stupid advice too.

That's like someone in the patient room saying, “Doctor there is something very wrong. I am having a lot of pain when I walk”.

Doctor looks up from his tablet, “yes, well, have you tried walking more?”

Seriously? If you can't sleep, sleep more. Really? Really.

They also say to maintain a regular sleep schedule.

Regular sleep schedule:

1. I go to bed, hoping that my mind doesn’t begin its open mic of rambling mid-night monologue for 30 minutes. My brain is a 15 year old girl that just called her bff to complain about her dumb boyfriend.

2. I tell her to shut up and go to sleep.

3. I lie on one side until my chest caves and my arm goes numb. Roll to my back. Roll to the other side. There. I’m asleep.

4. Some weird dream presents itself, like I’m pregnant and giving birth in a mall while my teeth fall out. Then I’m awake. I’m awake because I have to pee. I go to the bathroom without turning on the lights. Get back in bed before my heart rate can think I’m on a morning jog and tell myself not to analyze the dream that woke me up.

5. He's snoring because he's sleeping. I try to ignore it but the decibel exceeds the noise ordinance and also because I'm now jealous of sleep and want some of my own. I poke him. Nothing. I jab him. The snoring stops.

6. Back to sleep.

7. Wake up, hotter than a boiled egg. Change shirts. Back to bed in my own sweat soaked sheets. I wonder if “cooling sheets” hold sweat like a high school football jersey.

8. More snoring next to me, I try to go back to sleep.

9. Awake because the sun is blazing at 6:30am.

10. Back to sleep with eye mask

11. 7:30-8ish, I wake up and half here and half somewhere else, I try to remember what day it is and ³google “ what’s the difference between early onset dementia and perimenopause”

Sometimes #3-7 repeats a few times.

Things I’ve tried that may be helpful?

In order to chase down the sandman, I have made some, um, adjustments to the sleeping arrangement. Not all at once, that would cause alarm. I started with the biggest change.

I took off the top sheet and switched to a duvet cover on the comforter. You did what now? Hear me out. Less tangled, bunched and scrunched mess to tug and tuck and yank through the night. For clarification, my husband flips flops like an alligator taking on its prey.

The next big change came after battles with the duvet. When he flips he takes the blanket with him. I feel like in mid-sleep the magician yanked a tablecloth leaving the tableware in its place. Except I want the tablecloth please.

So, to remedy this, I bought a blanket for my side of the bed and he could have the original. His reaction was as if I asked for a separation. I held my ground. I have been sleeping with a blankie for years now and no separation.

*husband not pictured* Not only is she frosty, she is still married…see? And she is definitely not dreaming of being preggers. Nope, that is the look of someone happy about their 401k.

Apparently, there is now a name for this. Scandinavian sleep method. Look it up. It’s actually both of those things. No top sheet and two separate blankets. I guess I’m getting back to my European roots?

We moved houses. Not separate houses, sleep deprivation didn't have me divorcemental yet.

We built a house. Which meant 2 important things for sleep. We have a bathroom attached to our bedroom and we have a larger room, which would comfortably accommodate an upgrade from queen to king bed. Whoohoo! Happy dance.

First the bathroom. It has an exhaust fan that also serves as white noise when we leave the door open. This helps to drown out the snoring. But, just to cover all the bases we also purchased a white noise machine to drown out hurricane force winds.

Second, I was very excited about the king bed. Oh, what luxury to have so much space. My husband was reluctant. But then, he wasn’t getting an elbow to the eye or experiencing snoring at a 2 inch distance from the ear canal. Passive aggressive sleep happens in a queen bed, yet I never pressed charges.

I was giddy when the king bed arrived. Everything is memory foam these days. Yes, that makes me sound like Gen X. I love the memory foam because deathrolls and flailing can exist at the same time as my deep sleep. My husband released sad sighs. Surely, this is the end of our marriage. All this space in a king size chasm.

This bed space is amazing. So many new positions to sleep in. Yet, the mattress is so firm, I felt like I was lying on a table. My husband slowly began to fall in love with the bed. The firmness was just right for him and he had to admit, he enjoyed the space too.

I tolerated the table bed for a few weeks thinking maybe I would break it in like a pair of running shoes, but it continued to have me tossing and turning and honestly, my hips and knees started aching. From the bed, not the shoes.

I bought a very thin mattress topper pad. And I mean very thin, because hubs didn’t want me messing with the blessed firmness. This did not work for me.

So I did this thing. One day the order arrived at the front door.

“Is this for me?”, My son asked, walking around the box on the floor.

“No”, I responded coolly.

“Well then you got the wrong size. This says it’s a single”, he said pointing to the picture on the box.

“No, that’s what I ordered.” I began opening the box and slicing through the plastic, letting the vacuum-decompressed memory foam topper rise on the floor.

I tried to hurry to put the topper on my side of the bed under all the bedding before hubby walked in.

He stared at the curb down the middle of our huge bed. “What is happening?”

Busted.

“I measured the bed. A single fits perfectly to half of the bed. Now, I have the softness that will help me sleep and you have the firmness that you like.”

I smoothed the duvet across the bed with a clear curb in the middle, my night-sweat blankie folded neatly at the foot of the bed. Who was I kidding, the king duvet was all for his side of the bed. My blankie is all I need.

I had to laugh, It looks like the I-26 road construction that we drive to and from school on. The road is uneven right down the passenger tire so that you have to hug the guard rail or ride the middle dotted line. I choose the guardrail, my husband hugs the dotted line.

I know there will be jokes, so I try to reach the punchline. “It’s the I-26 bed”. My husband hates it, but what’s he gonna do? His midlife bride is taking steps toward crazy town.

“What’s next?”, He asks. “Different rooms?”

Quick as a whit, “I call downstairs!”.

He bought hostage tape.

Listen, I didn’t ask him to buy mouth tape, he just did it. Does he sleep better? I think so, because I don’t hear him gasping for air after mouth snoring followed by sputtering from holding his breath like a stubborn toddler. Yes, he still snores through his nose but the bathroom fan and sound machine mostly drown it out.

So now we go to bed, me in my high rise side, sweating through my blankie, even though I now drop the AC to 67 degrees at night, him with the entire king size duvet and hostage tape on his mouth. We kiss through the tape and he talks through his nose, humph humph, which lovingly means ‘good night’.

I am sleeping better than I have in years. That’s my sleep schedule right now.

What’s yours?

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As promised… Editors picks

Here's all the must-haves in one place-

disclaimer: all pictures taken randomly off of amazon.com. I do not receive kick-backs for any products purchased. Nor do I recommend any of the above products.

1. Night sweat throw blankie- look how happy and cool she is!

2. “Scandinavian sleep method” Duvet cover

3. New house with upgrades

4. White noise combo- Bathroom fan and white noise machine

5. King size memory foam bed

6. Mattress topper- “for him”

7. Single size 3” memory foam topper to cushion peri hips and knees

8. Eye mask for the 6am sunburst

9. Hostage tape “for him”, who are we kidding, it’s for her

Between 4., 8., and 9., that eliminates 3 of our 5 senses. That leaves touch and smell. Lavender on the pillow? I forgot about that one.

Next on the must haves- 10. Sensory deprivation tank. Now there’s a good night’s sleep.

sensory deprivation tank

If you enjoy a bit of comedic relief, let me know in the comments and I’ll see if my muse will show up again to impart some laughter or at least some eye rolls.

Hope you enjoyed the humor edition.

Go With The Flow,

1. The above bullet points were the only use of AI in this post. And it is to make a point. It obviously knows the intracacies of perimenopause sleep problems.

2. Instead of asking AI for advice, find a doctor with insomnia and a medical license.

1. Once again note to self- instead of googling, find a doctor with dementia and a medical license.

3.